Calling for Hughie, Ralph and Ruth…

Today I can appreciate the benefits of the Roman “Vomitorium” – which, if I understand correctly, is a place that the Roman’s went to empty their stomachs, to make room for more food. A room with a spew. (Obviously, if I have misunderstood, then it’s quite possibly the worst named “whatever” – and to be honest I don’t have time to look it up at the moment – but rest assured I will at some point and will, of course, report back).

(Before you ask – NO – I haven’t eaten too much chocolate – well, I have – but I have quite a high chocolate tolerance level – on this occasion it is not the reason for my nausea!)

The whole day (which, as Mother’s Day I understood to be some sort of ‘day of rest and treats’) started disastrously. I should explain that because I once had a really revolting cup of tea, I haven’t been able to drink it for several years, so I usually drink coffee, coke, or coffee flavoured Pepsi. However, I can’t face coffee first thing in the morning so I tend to have a drinking chocolate – one of the 40 calorie ‘Options’. They used to do a ginger one which I loved – but they stopped making them. Although I like the orange and mint ones, I prefer the Belgian chocolate ones, or (for a real treat) cinnamon flavour. So, imagine my horror when I discovered the husband had bought 10 Turkish Delight flavoured ones. I hate, loathe and despise the rosy-perfumed flavour of Turkish Delight. If I accidentally eat one from a box of chocolates – I HAVE to spit it out. They are VILE. I did try one, but it was revolting – so not the best start to the day.

Then later on, I went into the kitchen to make some coffee – and was greeted with what can only be described as a cross between an alien autopsy, a bad accident in Casualty and that scene near the end of the film “Murder by Decree” (Starring the rather gorgeous Christopher Plummer as Sherlock Holmes and James Mason as Watson, investigating the Jack the Ripper murders – anyway if you’ve seen the film it’s the scene where the Ripper has bloody hands and there’s bits of goodness-knows-what all over the walls – very reminiscent of the ‘reveal’ at the end of a Anna Ryder-Richardson/Linda Barker Changing Rooms episode. If you haven’t seen the film and want to, well I’ve got two DVDs because it’s so good I bought it twice! Don’t ask! I have mentioned my crappy memory haven’t I?) Anyway – picture the scene - the dripping blood, the flashing blade of the knife, the bloody hands – and this is my kitchen now – not the film – and don’t get me started on the smell! I was absolutely heaving, and just about managed to make the coffee without throwing-up. Then, when I went back later to wash-up the cups – there it was, uncovered, no cling film – just sitting there, in a dish, oozing…

For some reason, the husband decided he wanted LIVER for Sunday dinner. To me, it is more of a Saturday thing – and, what with it being Mother’s day, it seemed harsh to buy something he doesn’t know how to cook. Quite why he thinks it needs chopping up into tiny pieces is a mystery to me. He has teeth. And he just leaves it there in a bowl, uncovered.

When I eventually recovered, I went to see my mum and deliver her Mother’s Day card. Things got worse! She cut the top of her foot open on Wednesday. She went to the doctor and had some sort of strip things put across it to hold it all together while it healed. She’s taken the bandage off and was in the process of removing the strips when I arrived. It was swollen, it was oozing. The sight of it caused this weird kind of tingly-wobbly feeling all down the backs of my legs. I had to cover it up!

So – now I need to go and cook this bloody liver, then I’m off to design my Vomitorium and apply for planning permission…