Flushing the evidence away…
Is it just me – or do other people get embarrassed when they have to use the ‘facilities’ at someone else’s house – especially when it proves almost impossible to get rid of the evidence? I was in this situation today, at a party in Bournville.
The party seemed successful, although it was a shame the rain couldn’t have held off a little longer. Everyone took an item of food – and I would say 95% of the guests took a pudding or a cake! There was an interesting range of puddings, but all involved wheat, and there were a couple of quiches and a couple of pork pies. So, I had some cucumber sticks and a couple of mushrooms – followed by a selection of things dipped in my wonderful chocolate fountain. Strawberries, meringues, dates, fudge and marshmallows.
I was amazed at how easy this thing was to set up! It also seemed quite popular as well. I overheard many favourable comments, and all was well. The chocolate I got off the internet was fantastic. No complaints there are all. Brilliant!
However (and there is always a “however” isn’t there?) – because I didn’t want to rely solely on chocolate that may not have arrived on time, I took the precaution of buying some Cadbury’s Dairy Milk and some vegetable oil – this was my backup plan in case the other didn’t arrive, and I thought it could be used to top up the fountain if necessary.
This was not a problem. I found a “recipe” on t’internet that worked very well and, not knowing how soon I would need to top up the fountain, (having never used one before), I melted some of the CDM in the microwave, mixed it with the oil – tasted it to make sure it didn’t taste horrible (it tasted wonderful) – and left it in the microwave ready to reheat as required.
Well – it was ages before we needed it. In fact, we were thinking about leaving and – not knowing how long the party would go on for – I thought I’d do a quick top up before we left.
Now, it’s always difficult, I think, using someone else’s kitchen equipment, and the microwave there is very different from mine. For a start, mine is 22 years old, VERY easy to use and the size of a barn. This one had all these fancy buttons on and if you pressed one of the buttons once, it gave you a minute. So, I pressed the button once, and then carried on talking…
Chocolate is weird stuff, isn’t it? When it’s cold it is stiff, and when it is hot it is runny – up to a point. Cross that point, and you get “stiff” again. But not just “stiff”. When we took the jug of chocolate out of the microwave, the chocolate was melted perfectly – apart from this evil smoking volcano sitting in the middle of a chocolate lake (it was a big jug).
What do you do when you are in someone else’s kitchen and have a jug of smoking lump of chocolate? (Other than silently panic?) Well, we fished it out with a spoon (and, rather like an iceberg, it was much bigger than we expected) but we didn’t want to risk putting it in the kitchen bin in case it melted it!! We took the “lump” outside – still smoking. We considered the dustbin, but then I had a flash of inspiration.
“Flush it down the loo.” I suggested to Mark (I was stirring the remaining chocolate and tasting it to make sure it didn’t taste burnt - it was fine).
So he dropped it, like some vile volcanic turd, into the (outdoor) bog, leaving a few tell tale drops of chocolate on the seat, and the most awful chocolatey skid marks inside. He flushed…. but the stubborn chocolate “turd” remained.
I flushed… it seemed to disappear, but when the flushing subsided, I could see the thing, teasingly peeping out at me. I flushed for longer – with the ‘longer flush’ option (quite an upmarket outside loo, it has to be said!)
Satisfied it had gone – or at least gone far enough away to not be seen, we went back inside. I was still stirring the remaining chocolate. Someone saw me come in and asked if I had melted the chocolate outside. I explained that I was merely stirring it outside (goodness knows where they thought I’d melted it – it’s not like it was sunny or anything) – in retrospect I should have just said “yes” and let them wonder where, or how!
So, fountain topped up, flowing well and tasting perfect, I thought I should at least attempt to clear away the drips and skid marks before I left! I KNOW it was chocolate, but I didn’t want anyone thinking it was pooh – and, more to the point, that I may have been responsible – but, I think, even more than that, I didn’t really want anyone else to KNOW it was chocolate! The drips on the seat were easy enough to wipe off, it was the skid marks that were the problem! They’d had 3 lots of cold water flowing over them by now – the chocolate smear was well and truly set and welded to the loo. At this point, a few sheets of bog-roll in hand, and hand down the bog, I was thinking – ‘I do hope that this IS chocolate and not something that was there previously!’ Anyway, most of it came off, eventually, and I guess the cleaner will have to do the rest!
So, next time you are visiting someone, using their loo, worrying about producing an “unflushable” – just think – it could be worse!
PS – Oh I have just remembered! After topping up the fountain, there was a little bit of melted chocolate left in the jug – when I say “a little bit” it was more than I was prepared to pour down the sink (in case it blocked it) and I needed to wash the jug to bring it home. So I drank it. Yes. You heard right. I DRANK IT. Just as I was finishing it, this bloke walked into the kitchen – looked at me (in disgust) as if I’d drunk a litre of the stuff – saying (in a sarcastic tone) “Sweet tooth?” I didn’t bother to reply, I just thought, ‘Yes and full of sodding holes…’