wondering (but not wandering)
This morning's sunshine and blue sky are begging me to go out and enjoy them, and I have no doubt that if one of the kids were here I would drag them out for a walk, but walking alone seems odd. I get funny looks, I am viewed with suspicion - yet all the time I am out alone, I have to view others with suspicion.
Is this person going to pounce and rob me of my phone - or worse? Does that person think I am a sad character with no friends? Where would I go? If I went missing - no one would know where to look for me. Would anyone look for me?
Is that large dog going to knock me over - or bite me on the bum. Perhaps I should carry a lead so that people think I too have a large dog, somewhere, off doing his own thing, but that will come bounding over to my rescue. Should I get a dog? Extreme when for the rest of the year it's likely to be grey or raining and I wouldn't want to go out.
Is it easier to just be a vegetable, and sit inside with a book - resenting each page because I want to be outside? Or should I just think - sod them all - all the other walkers with their dogs, their partners and their shared thoughts and experiences. I'll go, I'll feel the sun on my face, I'll watch the squirrels arguing, I'll hear the birds singing.
But if I do, the first unusual thing that I see will be wasted as there will be no one to share it with - just me. True - I could take a camera, the video camera perhaps - then if anything exciting happened, I'd have a record of it - and I could come home, to the emptiness, and relive the loneliness.
Or perhaps this good weather will clear up - and rain.